i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
