yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
