Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize