Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
