I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
