u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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