I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
