My sheets look like a crime scene.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
