not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
