There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
