I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
