did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
