A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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