She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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