Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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