I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
