I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
