my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
