I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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