the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
