Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
