I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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