In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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