I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
