youre lurking in front of me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
