then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize