my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
