How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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