Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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