youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
