dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
