I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
