Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
