there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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