I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Randomize
