and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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