my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
