Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
