someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
