Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
