The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
