He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The power of my boobs compel you
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
