Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
