booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I need a beard to bite.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize