i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
