So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she peed on how many people?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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