sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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