as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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