I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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