I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
