We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
