I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
