Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
