im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
