I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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